Friday, December 10, 2010

If I had a million dollars...

...actually, more like 74 million dollars.

My best friend, Kressa and I were talking about some of the stuff we would buy if we had won the lottery. I have been thinking about that more and I've come up with an on-going list of things I would do and buy, in no real particular order.

Oh, and I'm a bit of a grump this morning so it's possible some of these items could get violent. But really, would you expect anything less?

1.)First, I would NOT go on the news. It will be hard enough to keep it from people once family and friends find out. I always found that to be a very unsafe and stupid decision. Let's tell the entire metro area that I know have a shitload of money and will be purchasing a shitload of things that you could possible steal.

2.) Give money to my mom and step-dad so they could quit their jobs and also give money to my brother and sister-in-law so they could buy a new house without having to worry about selling their loft and generally have fewer things to worry about. Also give money to David's family.

3.) Give money to Kressa and her family. Because I said I would. :)

4.) Have Danzig play my birthday party as well as other random shows and just generally attempt to become friends with him. Me + Danzig = BFF's (?)

5.) Have Rush aforementioned birthday party.

6.) Have the entire cast of Jersey Shore killed...and then be thanked by millions.

7.) Get tattooed....heavily.

8.) Tell my current employer to SUCK IT! Probably in a much more vulgar fashion and as loudly as possible.

9.) Donate to various charities such as local animal shelters, breast cancer funds, etc...

10.) Fly out for the Zeke, The Dwarves and Reverend Horton Heat show in Seattle on New Years Eve.

11.) I wouldn't buy a crazy big house because they're usually newer houses and I have a thing about new houses. I'd buy a really nice older home, have it all paid off and fix it up if necessary.

12.) Purchase: '55 Chevy Bel-Air, primer black; '05 Ford Thunderbird convertible, turquoise or red; probably some sort of 50's or 60's truck. I wouldn't really need a "winter" vehicle because I hate winter and cold weather so I would just fly David and I to some place warm for the season.

13.) Buy a house out in California (so Danzig and I can hang out)

14.)Obviously, pay off whatever bills/debt that might be floating around for me and my family.

15.)Travel...a lot. Germany, Scotland, Amsterdam, Australia, Ireland, Paris (just for the Louvre, then we're out!) Italy, Switzerland, New Zealand and of course in the States.


17.) Open up franchises of White Castle, Jack in the Box, In and Out Burger and Sbarro's in Kansas City.

To be continued...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So I had this dream...

I, on a consistent basis, have fucked up dreams. I’m not just talking weird either- I mean even on the “fucking crazy scale for dreams”, mine are usually off the charts. Some are way more fucked than others. Some are just down-right creepy. It’s gotten to the point where I’m used to it now. Because they are so out there, I can usually remember even the smallest details about them, which I can’t decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I really want to invent some sort of machine where you can record your dreams and play them back for people because I’m convinced that I can sell them to people like Rob Zombie or Quentin Tarentino and make some money off of them. I figure I could at least peddle a few dreams for a couple grand…I could live with that.

Most of my dreams have multiple parts that have nothing to do with one another. It’s as if I have one dream, either wake up or just stop dreaming for whatever reason, and have another dream. It really makes telling someone else about it even more difficult. I don’t usually bother telling people about my dreams because there isn’t much of a point. Most other people don’t give a fuck about other people’s dreams (unless they themselves are involved somehow) because they make absolutely no sense and there is no way to make it sound sensible.

I felt the need to blog about this dream in particular mostly because it was just so goddamned retarded; even I had a hard time trying to comprehend it. I’ve only really told a few other people besides my poor husband about my dreams. I’m sure he’s convinced he’s married to a crazy lady and based off these, he might be right…

So this dream I had last night: Part one starts out in some sort of bog, possibly a bayou of some kind (?) and of course I was there with my cat, John Wayne (that I no longer have) and he was telling me how badly he wanted to go swimming. Apparently, he had seen other animals swimming in this swamp and decided that he too wanted to go for a dip. Naturally, I’m attempting to talk him out of it. I tell him that not only do most cats hate water but there are alligators and other such creatures that could eat him up and that this whole swimming notion was just a generally bad idea. Whilst my cat and I were having this conversation, an elderly couple in a beat-up RV almost runs us over. Attempting to apologize for this, they invite us to a shore-side beach party, of sorts, that the entire trailer park has been invited to. I’m talking Super White Trash, like whoa. There was a lot of flannel (at the beach, of course), a lot of bad, short haircuts and a lot more cussing…oh and a mass of cut-off jean shorts/swimming trunks.

So my cat and I are apparently having a grand ol’ time when my dog Roscoe shows up. Being that he is a basset hound and most of the guests at this party were sans teeth, he was a big hit! They just loved him to death. He jumped in the water with everyone and was swimming around, just generally loving life. Well, one of the more Rosie O’Donnell-esque ladies there tried to take his tennis ball away and of course, he snapped (who wouldn’t?) So that just threw everyone into a shit-fit with me defending his actions and then they unanimously decided that my menagerie and I were no longer welcome and we were banished back into the bog.

-Cut to Part Two-

Basically this dream section was the last ten to fifteen minutes of Jurassic Park, just more ridiculous.

Everyone (me, the main scientist guy who is now played by Guy, the long-haired fellow from Half Baked who rarely left the couch and two other random old folks) are in the main building trying to run from a few raptors. Well Guy decides that he needs to start conditioning himself to escape from these dinosaurs (a bit late, huh) so he starts doing sprints up and down the giant stairwell, as he is doing this, those random old people somehow get themselves in quite the pickle. How this happened, I have no idea but they went from being on the floor to hanging from the banner in the rafters (by their hands, not their necks if ya follow me). I start yelling at them for their carelessness and all of a sudden a few more raptors show up except one is in a neck brace of sorts and has a cane. He seems very downtrodden, like he’s just been in some sort of raptor throw down, was defeated and then laughed mercilessly at as he made his way through the raptor crowd. So this raptor sees Guy doing calisthenics on the stairwell and something comes over him apparently. He decides that he’s going to prove all those other mean ass raptors that he’s still got it and proceeds to chase down and devour Guy. Just as he finishes eating, a T-Rex crashes through the goddamn ceiling, eats aforementioned raptors and then lets out a terrible roar/growl/whatever loud noise dinosaurs made. And then…

I woke up.

That’s it.

Yeah...I know. Try and interpret that one.

I promise you, none of what I just typed is made-up. I’ve got quite the imagination but I don’t even think I could come up with that shit on my own.

I've had other dreams that are waaayyy creepier. Like my husband racing fat, Pugsly-like children up trees covered in ice and him crawling on the ceiling then turning his head aallll the way around ala that baby in Transpotting. I watch a lot of horror movies and have seen some pretty fucked up stuff yet I don't really have nightmares so I guess this is just my mind's way of getting back at me. I've done drawings/paintings based of some of my spookier dreams. I guess a T-Rex painting would be pretty cool...

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